Again

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sunset

And here we are again. In the car just after 8am, willing the warm air to push faster through the vents, our breath pooling in clouds in front of our eyes. “Do you think I remember how to get there?” I ask her. “I’ll help you!” she says. And off we go.

Here we are again, her small fingers wrapping around mine and clasping with surprising strength in the open gate of the school playground. She’ll go and be fine and won’t shed a tear. We’ve been talking about this moment for days and beneath the cold and the hesitation and the dreams still fresh in her mind of pajama mornings with waffles and Legos, she really wants to be here. But this moment is the hardest. So she holds on tight and I try to break free and I spend the ride home wishing I had just let her hold on until she was ready.

Here we are again, in the car heading backwards, away from her and it feels so strange. A man is pulling strings of white lights off a tree as we pass and as we drive the season is dismantled and tucked away. This is it now, we’re in it, the velocity of the routine will now carry us forward, feeling strange and awkward yet vaguely familiar and it’s that vague familiarity that will keep us moving though we’re a bit unsure and still wishing for Sunday.

Here we are again, taking off shoes and coats and settling into a house that feels just perfectly sized when we’re all together but far too big when it’s just us two. But we bustle about, cleaning up breakfast dishes again and pulling out toys again and trying to just keep moving so that we forget that we feel a little bit lost and that something is missing.

Here we are again and it’s not even noon and my sights are set on 3:00 because after that the day takes care of itself and she comes home and then he does too and we’re together again and I can forget for a few hours that we haven’t been lounging around all day. I can, again, move about to the cadence of playtime and dinner making and questions and answers. And just yesterday I was starting to feel ready, the questions and answers dragging on me and feeling heavy and oh the quiet, I want the quiet. But now I have it and I miss the noise.

Here we are again, starting another year and it’s only a matter of time before I forget about stockings and stars and twinkling lights as we find the groove and settle into it, prepared to take another year by storm.

~~~~~
Linking up with Lisa for her 1-word prompt challenge. Pick a word and join us!

12 Comments

  1. Hi Tricia, I love your storytelling writing style. Beautiful post! Mom’s just need a moment really. A moment in the moment. When my husband and son went out of town this summer I was so excited for them to leave. They weren’t gone very long before I was bored. I couldn’t even believe myself. I still can’t. I’m longing for that to happen again though I’ll know I’ll be the same way “again”.
    Kenya G. Johnson recently posted..I chucked my FitBit for Apple pastures…My Profile

  2. Wow, I really love this. Especially this part: “This is it now, we’re in it, the velocity of the routine will now carry us forward, feeling strange and awkward yet vaguely familiar and it’s that vague familiarity that will keep us moving though we’re a bit unsure and still wishing for Sunday.” The velocity of routine? How spot on, and I never really thought of it in quite that way. Lovely.
    Kristen recently posted..Examining What We Say, Write: A Checklist for Parents & WritersMy Profile

  3. Again. It really is such a powerful word as it often carries so much emotion. I love how you used it here in this truly beautiful post. The agains of saying goodbye and being apart are never easy.
    Marcia @ Blogitudes recently posted..It’s Important AgainMy Profile

  4. So beautiful described my friend. I love this- I always love your words that so perfectly paint the picture and perspective of our lives.
    Chris Carter recently posted..Shift Your Lens Wider…PerspectiveMy Profile

  5. This was excellent and I love the idea of a one word prompt challenge.
    Nina recently posted..Making Plans That Leave Out Some FriendsMy Profile

  6. Beautiful! You really captured the emotions of settling back into the routine. I agree – I was happy for the quiet and routine, but sad to let go of the lazy, relaxing days. I love this & so glad you like up!
    Lisa @ The Golden Spoons recently posted..The Convoluted Emotions of MotherhoodMy Profile

  7. Just lovely! 🙂 It does take a minute to let it all sink in and get back into the rhythm of things but it does so without you realizing it. The freezing winter weather doesn’t work for me either, I’m anti single-digit weather but this is happening and I’m going to try to ignore it until 5AM tomorrow 🙁 Take it easy Tricia and happy hump day -Iva
    AwesomelyOZ recently posted..Cat Brain versus Human Brain: Is My Kitten A Dick?My Profile

  8. We had a nice break together, but we were totally ready to get back into our school and work routine. The kids actually missed each other (and me) when we got back together last night. Maybe (a little bit of) absence makes the heart grow fonder!
    Rabia @TheLiebers recently posted..Happy Birthday #TuesdayTen!! {Giveaway Included!}My Profile

  9. Here we are again. Sometimes that’s said with a sigh, sometimes a smile. Beautiful, Tricia.

  10. I have to agree with the consensus on this and tell you said this quite beautifully and perfectly as this truly was how I was feeling the is first week back to the grind after having had two weeks off for Christmas and New Year’s with my gang, as well.
    Janine Huldie recently posted..It’s Complicated With Sex And The CityMy Profile

  11. This just takes my breath away.
    Robbie recently posted..Stream of Consciousness: SurvivingMy Profile

  12. Beautiful writing, as usual. I so understand the wanting the routine back and then as soon as it is there craving the chaos that was. I feel a bit more settled in now, but it took a while.
    Sarah recently posted..Moments of TruthMy Profile

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