Lovely Little Things, 30

This evening I dragged my tired tush to the library. It’s where I work in the evenings these days, after I’ve poured myself out into my family all day, I take what’s left and I pour it out here. Or there. It’s not how I thought things would be. And I both wouldn’t have it any other way and simultaneously yearn for the days when I’m not pouring out here the dregs left over from a day of drying eyes and kissing boo boos and folding laundry. And I also know I’ll miss those eyes and the honor of kissing those boo boos. That’s the push and pull of life.

But tonight there are barely even dregs to pour here. Today is Wednesday and I’m writing this post in advance because today we visited our girl’s school for her very last school Open House and tomorrow we launch into it and this weekend I’m on a train headed north. But today. Today she repeated over and over how happy she is that school is starting, how excited she is to be back, how much she loves it there. And my heart both swelled with excitement for her and broke with the thoughts that next year won’t hold this happiness for her. Next year when I drop her off at a new school while her brother heads off to her old school, today will be a very different sort of day. And I should just enjoy today and her happiness and this moment without bothering myself with thoughts of things that may come. But I’m in a weird place lately and I just can’t let it go.

Tonight as I walked into the library, the sun had set and so the air was just a touch cooler. Someone had just mowed a lawn and the air smelled sweet, just like a late summer evening should. And I breathed it in. And I remembered that even, sometimes especially, in our most conflicted moments, we find gratitude.

This week’s lovely little things.

School happiness

She is happy. She is so happy she can’t help but tell me ten times within the span of an hour just how happy she is. She’s been begging to go back for weeks and just knowing that today was the day propelled her out of bed with an energy we rarely see from her so early in the morning. For all of the pain of the first year and the surprising tears of the second year, we’ve earned this moment. She is happy. We are happy. And I am grateful to start off her big year with so much happy.

Travel

I used to dread work travel. So exhausting and overwhelming and so many hours away from the people I love most. But this weekend, I’m headed away for Women Get Social and I’m looking forward to it. A train ride all to myself, new experiences, new friends, new opportunities, and some of the old thrown in for good measure just to make it all a little more comfortable. And I’ll miss their little faces and his hugs and Sunday’s reunion will be so sweet. But it will be good to get away.

Rejection

Go ahead, roll your eyes, I deserve it. Rejection sucks and doesn’t belong on a gratitude list anywhere. Except when it does. I got a rejection this week and even though, looking back, I quickly fell out of love with the piece I submitted after I sent it in, the email stung. It came at a moment when I was already feeling down and doubting myself and my ability to really do this, freelance, live this dream. And I couldn’t shake it. I laid awake for hours, crying, and struggling with self doubt. I considered not coming here, to the library, to write tonight. Giving myself a nice, long, self-pity-inspired break. But here’s the thing. It’s one of my first rejections in a while and that doesn’t mean that I’ve been spinning pure gold over here. It means that I haven’t been trying. Taking risks. I haven’t felt the butterflies take over my stomach as I click ‘send’ in weeks. That rejection reminded me that I should be collecting so many more of those kinds of emails.

Kind words and friends

I reached out to a dear friend this week for some help. And she replied most generously, helping me with what I asked and so much more. Keep your friends close, they ease the pain of the rejection with their faith in you and support of you.

favorite words

Earlier this week, I started Dani Shapiro’s Still Writing. Apologies in advance for the next several weeks which will almost exclusively hold favorite words about writing and creativity. Her Devotion is next. Just warning ya.