Thirty-three

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We walked down the stairs, hand in hand, as we do most mornings. When we reached the kitchen, we parted. She shuffled into the dining room where her daddy, brother, and breakfast sat waiting. I wandered around the kitchen, sipping coffee, making my own breakfast. And I saw the two of them, huddled, whispering. And I smiled and turned away. Little girls love surprises, the giving and the getting. In this, we are the same.

Suddenly she turned and with huge, bright eyes, “Mommy! Come in here! You have to come in here!”

Part of me wanted to wait. Prolong the excitement for the both of us. But I walked in to find a candle sitting at my place at the table, a single red carnation laying next to it. As I sat, they broke into Happy Birthday. And I blew the candle out but forgot to make a wish (when birthdays happen before coffee) and we all agreed I should make a post-candle wish and I did.

Hello thirty-three.

construction paper heart

I’ve been searching over the past several days for the nuggets of life and learning to take with me from thirty-two. What were those moments? What did I learn? How did I grow?

And I know I had moments. And I learned. I feel so very different now than I did when I bid farewell to thirty-one so I know I grew. And I can find words to match these feelings. Love. Genuine and authentic and real. Friends and family. Support. But I’ve struggled to string them together into a coherent summary.

In the days leading up to my special day, the love started to flow in and it kept flowing until I closed my eyes last night, officially thirty-three. Gifts and cards and wishes and thoughts. Each one so thoughtfully prepared, so very perfectly reflecting me and my relationship with the giver.

And it feels superficial at first, to reflect on my life at this moment and my year through the lens of gifts. Like I’m a child for whom birthdays are about nothing but shiny paper just itching to be torn.

playdough heart

But it’s not about that at all.

It’s not about the gifts themselves, of course. Though the gifts themselves were lovely.

It’s about the people behind the gifts. And, more importantly, my relationships with those people. Our history. Conversations had or moments shared or passing comments caught and tucked away.

It hasn’t always been this way, for me. I haven’t always had this history or this deepness of relationship with the people in my life.

I haven’t always opened up. I haven’t always shared my real self, my best parts and my flaws, my loves and my dreams, the moments that made me want to laugh out loud and the things that drew tears from my heart. I had tucked all of that so deep that my friends and family and the people in my life hardly knew me. Relationships were not as deep as I wanted them to be. I wasn’t known.

tutu and sparkly shoes

I never made it a mission to change this. But somehow, along the way, I did. And I began to feel this even before my birthday approached. I know, very well now, the fear of opening up. Being vulnerable. Saying what’s on my heart even when, especially when, I have no idea how the other person will react. I know better now the freedom that comes with not holding back. Asking the question because the worst that can happen is ‘no.’ Sharing the confession because I trust that those I love will meet me with love and not judgement. And reaping all of the many rewards of real, human connection.

And so, my inner circle now knows me. We have relationships that are unique and lovely and loving. I have people I can call in tears, be they tears of joy or tears of struggle. I have people that know that simple things will touch my heart and I have people who help me nourish my soul.

girlandocean

And the most lovely thing about all of this is that it doesn’t end as I continue to age. I can continue to open myself up. Share the real me, even as the real me grows and changes and lives. And that is a gift.

sitting on the floor

No birthday post would be complete without a little list.

Thirty-two taught me that…

… if you’re gonna go to the fast-food place, go for the unhealthy. Don’t try to make it something it’s not.

… summer requires planning when kids are in school. As in registering for summer camp in January. Don’t be late.

… parenting one child to a certain age, does not an expert make.

… tea is lovely.

… sometimes you gotta splurge on yourself without calculating how many ice cream cones your child could have devoured for the cost of that shirt.

… bakers twine is the key to all party decorations, impromptu crafts, lovely gift-wrapping, and many home decorating challenges.

tutus for fairy princesses

tutus for fairy princesses

… it’s ok to ask for help (every age will need to teach me this one, for sure).

… going back is not always the same as going backwards; sometimes it’s a huge leap forward.

… an empty email inbox does not create calm; nor does a full one create chaos.

… be yourself.

vase and curtain

 

8 Comments

  1. Lovely, Just lovely. I am so glad you have opened your heart to others and grown along the way into nourishing relationships. Your words are precious and peaceful… your tribute to your year is beautiful. What a tapestry of wonderful things you have both created and honored…

    Happy Birthday dear friend!!! It only gets better from here. ;)
    Chris Carter recently posted..Devotional Diary: Love Is In The Leftovers…My Profile

  2. Lovely. And Happy Birthday to you! Now you’re my age. 33 is pretty nice. I’m halfway to 34.
    I love your lessons and I totally get that about the fast food joints! And last year we did not register for summer camp and this year we budgeted for it in December!
    Tamara recently posted..Time To Get Juicy With Valentine’s Old School Blogging!My Profile

  3. Tricia, you are such a lovely soul. And I’m glad you have an inner circle that you can share parts of that soul with. I love how you reflect on what you’ve learned on your birthday. I remember reading your list last year and it makes me happy that I’ve known you for that long. xo

  4. All of your lessons ring so true. And you’re right – it’s not about the gifts but the people behind the gifts. I adore how excited my kids are for my birthday because their love just overflows. Happy Happy (belated) Birthday Tricia!
    Christine @ Love, Life, Surf recently posted..Falling with GraceMy Profile

  5. happy birthday sweet lady! wishing you so much joy in experiencing all the things thirty-three brings with it.
    sarah reinhart recently posted..Photo Tip Friday: the difference between snapshots and portraitsMy Profile

  6. I feel as if we’ve gotten to know you better, too, through your writing. It’s gotten richer, fuller. It’s definitely a gift.
    Eli@coachdaddy recently posted..Go Ask Daddy, Olympics EditionMy Profile

  7. Happy birthday, Tricia. What a lovely reflection of where you are going and where you have been. I remember those days of planning for summer camp in January – it gets a bit easier as they get older. I did not know about the bakers twine, proving that you are never to old to learn something new.
    Dana recently posted..The evolution of Valentine’s DayMy Profile

  8. I think children make a difference on how we interpret life and its affect on us. It’s lovely that you have found what you need.
    AlwaysARedhead recently posted..Romance for Valentine’s DayMy Profile

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