I need it

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They all leave.

I buckle them in and blow kisses at her face in the window as they drive off. And then I turn around. And every time I narrowly miss walking smack into the bush outside our front door. Watching my children drive off without me is a little disorienting.

But most days I miss the bush. And I walk back inside. And that moment when I first cross the threshold is disorienting again. There is sadness there. And longing. It doesn’t matter what has transpired in the minutes and hours before that moment. I always miss them. The house always feels too big, too quiet, too empty in that moment.

But there is also anticipation. And planning. And expectation. The things I can do now. Untethered. Free.

I turn on the kettle. And I clean up the breakfast dishes. And I sit at my desk with a steaming cup of coffee. This second cup still feels like such a luxury after years of nursing and pregnancy. And though I know that ultimately the drink revs me up, there is something about this second cup that is calming. I wrap my cold fingers around the mug because my office is always so chilly and I breathe in the soft smell rising off the top and I just keep breathing.

coffee mug and window

And the quiet is just right.

And the longing fades. So does the sadness. Because I know they’ll be back. And this moment of calm will be just a memory.

But right now, this moment is mine.

And I stare out my window and watch my neighbors departing for their days. Routines I know well now simply because two days a week I sit and I work while their mornings play out in front of me.

And I work. And I write. And my heart repairs itself and my soul recharges in the quiet and the peace. And for a few hours, I feel human again. Productive. And adult with deadlines and tasks and two hands to do it all and for a little while, the structure feels good. Comfortable.

And I don’t think I knew or appreciated how important this time is to me until the flurry of holidays and vacations and snow days took it away. I don’t think I understood how my soul needs this time. This quiet house. This time alone.

But the quiet and the coffee and the chilly office and the lists and the writing and the work. I need it. I need it all.

~~~~~

just write

7 Comments

  1. This is gorgeous. I am disoriented in the same way when I am without children, but that time is precious and valuable. And it puts a longing in your heart again, doesn’t it? For those precious and valuable children. Great words.
    Tresta @ Sharp Paynes recently posted..The Simple List {How I gained an hour each day}My Profile

  2. I get this. Because my soul thrives on quiet time too. I can be extremely social but I need that time by myself to recharge – to be the best version of me – and to be the best mom to my children. I am so glad you found this pocket of time – and that you can have that second cup of coffee!
    Ilene recently posted..Saying Goodbye to the Skull CapMy Profile

  3. Having that right now…
    One kid in school. One kid with his grandma. Ahh. It’s good. Although I’m sick so I’m afraid to drink coffee because I can’t do it without cream and I heard dairy wasn’t good for colds.
    Boo!
    Tamara recently posted..Me Before You.My Profile

  4. I love how you capture these moments. They’re the ones I long for, just a moment’s peace, to get things in order again, but the silence is deafening. There’s that time I have to transition in my mind from missing the girls and knowing this is my chance to get stuff done so we can cook and play and talk when they come back.
    Eli@coachdaddy recently posted..Guest Post from Beth of I Didn’t Have My Glasses On, on Unexpected TreasuresMy Profile

  5. And as I pull down the street in the pre-dawn darkness listening to my own little one chattering in the backseat, I look longingly at the lights in your house, envious of those quiet hours.

    I think whether at home or in a work environment, it can be disorienting and even lonely without their sweet voices or grasping hands, yet that quiet in your own home can also be bliss.

    Enjoy those moments – I envy you the opportunity!!

  6. I love this… This captures the day time and what the day should feel like beneath to-do lists and errands… Phone calls and well meaning chores…
    Misty recently posted..Learn to Fly…My Profile

  7. Dont we all need that! I enjoy the little bit of quiet time I get to do the “me” things.
    Tess recently posted..Dark Chocolate Pomegranate and Blueberry Giveaway Ends 11/23My Profile

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