Yes, I’m still here.
I’m here and we’re healthy and happy and living and loving.
But we’re also struggling and ailing and trying and sometimes failing.
There are bloggers who write a lot about the struggling and the ailing. They paint detailed pictures of the hard. And with this job of motherhood and parenthood comes a lot of hard. We all know it and we all feel it and at the end of those hard days when I feel like I’ve done nothing right and everything in my world is spiraling out of control, it sometimes feels good to look at someone else’s hard. To know I’m not alone. To know that what I feel is not uncommon and that my feelings don’t make me a terrible mother but they make me, they make us all, human.
But I am not that kind of blogger.
I don’t want to write about the hard. I want to write about the beautiful. And the fun. And the wonder. And the delight. And partly I want to do that because I want you to see that side of me. Partly I need to see that side of me. Mostly I want to inspire us all to look beneath the hard and find the beautiful. Because it’s always there.
And sometimes the hard is beautiful. And sometimes the beautiful is hard. So sometimes I don’t really know what to write.
This summer has been hard. Our first summer doing the school/camp circuit and following someone else’s calendar. Our first summer with two kids. Those are some big firsts. And I’m no good at firsts. I tend to walk into new situations and new experiences with big eyes and a big smile and the belief that we’ll all be ok, everything will work out, and our friends and family and everyone around us will toss out a big safety net if we begin to stumble. And I’m learning that we will all be ok. Everything will work out. Friends and family will toss out that safety net. But I’m also learning that a little bit of planning makes the difference between surviving and thriving. And a little bit of preparation never hurt anyone.
We’ve done a lot of surviving this summer. Squeezing by and making it work but not making it work like we want it to work. Not going beyond.
And when I’m in that place, of struggling and not living how I want to live, I don’t want to come here. I don’t want to write about that. It feels self indulgent. And not in a good, self-care kind of way.
So that’s where I’ve been when I haven’t been here. Surviving. Working my way back to thriving. Looking for the growth in the struggle and sorting it out for myself. Finding my lessons learned and applying them to each new day.
This summer has been hard. But Fall is coming. Oh thank goodness Fall is coming.
“There is a perfect ant, a perfect bee, but man is perpetually unfinished…Moreover, the incurable unfinishedness keeps man perpetually immature, perpetually capable of learning and growing.”
- Eric Hoffer