I have a love-hate relationship with breastfeeding.
It is pretty intense.
I remember all of the feelings and their intensity from our first fling three years ago. And all of those feelings came rushing back as my son latched on for the first time.
It would be easy to focus on the hate part. Dwell on the things that drive me crazy. Like I did last time until it was nearly time to wean.
This time, I’m focusing on the love part.
Like the part where I am literally growing a human with just my body? Yeah, that is an amazing super power.
And how I can calm him by just holding him close. The smell of milk and mommy so permanently intertwined that the cradle of my arms alone can lull him to sleep.
Milky smiles.
Soft baby sighs as he latches on and begins to fill his belly.
The satisfied stretch – eyes closed, arms elongated, hands in the air. Victory.
Knowing that I see a side of him that nobody else sees. Nobody else sees his sweet little face from this angle. Nobody else sees him so snuggled and safe and satisfied.
Cuddles.
I love the built in excuse on a busy day to sit, rest, snuggle.
I love that I can do it. I know there are women who want to but can’t. I am lucky. I can.
And though I hate my pump, and I would love a glass of wine or an extra cup of coffee, and I really just want to take a shower or leave the house regardless of when he last ate, and I really don’t love wearing shirts that provide easy access to my chest… I’m not taking this for granted.
Because someday, not too far from now, he’ll get his nutrition elsewhere. And not long after that he’ll find comfort in other places too. He’ll need me less. And the lessening will grow.
So for now, I’m his.
And I love it.
~~~~~
just write
January 8, 2013 at 9:02 am
You definitely have the super power to raise tiny humans. May the force be with you.
Vicki M. Taylor recently posted..I’m Over 50, Now What?
January 8, 2013 at 9:50 am
love this! I am breastfeeding my five month old now and you really hit the nail on the head with this writing. I feel the same way. Lovely!
January 8, 2013 at 10:58 am
It truly IS a superpower. I tried with both of mine to breast feed, and my body just didn’t want to cooperate no matter what I did. I think it’s a wonder and beautiful thing that you get to share this with your precious one
Jennifer recently posted..Whole Food Challenge Link Up! Week 1: Why Eating Clean is NOT Expensive
January 8, 2013 at 11:34 am
Sometimes when you write, I have no other words to say than “Beautiful.” So forgive my redundancy, but …
…beautiful.
michelle @ this little light recently posted..No More “More” in 2013
January 10, 2013 at 6:38 am
You are so sweet! I smile whenever I see a comment from you
January 8, 2013 at 1:32 pm
This is simply beautiful and hits all that I love about breastfeeding. My baby is nearly 8 months, on solids, and already needing me a bit less. Exciting, but oh so bittersweet. It is truly amazing what our bodies are able to do.
Christina @ The Murrayed Life recently posted..Kleenex and Cuddles
January 9, 2013 at 10:04 pm
it’s so true. it’s a super power. I BF-ed Matilda until she was 2.5 (!) and Oscar is still going strong at 14 months now. Even though I mostly love it and I’ve been doing it for almost 6 straight years now (!) There are certainly times I get frustrated or tired. I can so relate. What beautiful work you’re doing Tricia. It’s so filled with love.
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January 10, 2013 at 6:37 am
Thank you, thank you so much, Sarah. I still think of another comment from you here, talking about nursing in public, that has given me so much confidence – which, in turn, made me love it even more. You are an inspiration!