Your sweet heart

My sweet girl,

This week was tough for you. And when something is tough for you, my love, it is tough for us. Always.

This week the rotating cast of family members who so sweetly spent their past weeks showering you with love and reminding you of how special you are, departed. And I can’t give you the date on which they will return. It’s just us now for the foreseeable future. You and me, Daddy and your new little brother.

I want to keep up their love showers. I want to remind you with the same urgency that you are special and that I treasure you more than words could ever express. I don’t want you to doubt for a minute that you are important. And amazing. A sweet soul with the best of intentions and a beautiful heart.

But this week the showers fizzled to barely a drizzle. And I know my actions often did not make you feel special or treasured. I know my words came out in harsh tones, barking orders. You don’t yet have the words to express how that made you feel but I saw it in your eyes.

I hate that look in your eyes. I hate it more than the sound of your cries. When you fall, I can easily kiss the scrape on your knee. When I hurt you, it is harder to repair the cut in your heart.

So today I want to promise you that I will try to get better. And that this will get easier. This enormous change will soon feel not quite so big. And this new world will soon feel as comfortable as your old world did. Soon your brother will not need to eat every few hours. Yes, I know that’s the one that bothers you the most. An activity that only he and I can engage in makes you feel like the lonely third wheel. It doesn’t last forever, I promise. Soon we’ll spend our afternoons and evenings playing together. Really playing together. Or running off to the park, just like we used to do. It will be the four of us, together. And I promise that it will be more wonderful than you can imagine. I promise that soon your brother will look up at you with eyes so full of adoration and you won’t want to think of going anywhere without him. Soon you’ll be able to see so much more clearly how much I love you both.

Soon, my love. Sooner than we know. But in the meantime, I’ll do my best to protect your sweet heart.

Love always,

Mommy