When being a working mom sucks

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“Mommy! I don’t want you to go!”

I turned around as M pulled the car into the driveway. No tears yet but they were coming. Her eyes pleaded and her mouth turned down in a heartbreaking look of distress.

She had just spent the morning with us at her new school. Meeting teachers and the class pet, surrounded by new faces, lots of kids, most experts at this school-thing now and therefore, I’m sure, intimidating.

She only wanted comfortable. Home, Mommy, Daddy. Cuddles and stories and maybe some lunch.

And I had to go. I had to take some of her comfortable and leave.

And what’s worse? I knew what awaited me. I had checked my email before she woke up and before we left for school. I knew what gems lingered, and not so patiently might I add, in my inbox. Those gems demanded attention and felt entitled to attention immediately. I knew that I’d walk into the office, rushed and late to my meeting, and that the needs and the frustrations would pounce.  That the meeting had started and that I had arrived late would be used as ammo against me in short order.

But let me break something to you, angries and frustrations. That meeting? It’s notes are already forgotten and it’s discussions dealt with by now. We’ve moved on to the next. You’ve probably already recycled the agenda. Nothing remains.

But the cries and please of my girl? They are not forgotten. They are recorded in my heart. My heart remembers that when she needed me and you needed me, I had no choice but to choose you. I had to leave her, while she wished for Mommy to stay but bravely and with strength beyond her years watched me go. And I had attend to your tantrums. The ones you throw with a maturity so low that sometimes I wonder who I should be parenting.

I have to make inevitable choices everyday. Decisions that are not the ones I want to make. When I want to lead with my heart and put her first, where I say she belongs, but I can’t.

Yes, I know. We all have to do this. If didn’t face constraint on our choices, we’d all be living on boats in the Mediterranean and enjoying a life of luxury. Constraints are there and that is life.

But the constraints of a working mom? Well, they just plain suck.

~~~~~

linking up with Shell. Join us and Pour Your Heart Out.

16 Comments

  1. i have been there! i just came home full-time in January 2012. i hated leaving. my heart broke into a milliion pieces every single day. your little one is loved and safe. you are a good mom for providing. hugs to you!!
    melisssa recently posted..:the one where fall brings blessings:My Profile

  2. Such a sad post to read, because everything you said was so honest. Hugs.
    thedoseofreality recently posted..“The Voice” Is In My HeadMy Profile

  3. Oh, I’ve been there. Handing off a crying, screaming child who is stuck to me like glue and feeling like the worst mom in the world because of it. Hearing him screaming all the way to my car. Daycare reassuring me that he’s fine as soon as I leave. Those days are rare but they stick with me.
    Diana recently posted..PYHO – Sometimes It’s OverwhelmingMy Profile

    • Feeling like the worst mom in the world – yep that is it. Every day this week as we transition into school. I know this too shall pass but oh is it just awful.

  4. I’m a working mom too, and there are so many days it breaks my heart to leave him at day care, especially when we’ve had a rough morning getting ready and out the door. Hugs.
    KeAnne recently posted..Stupid is as Stupid Does: Another Rant on Surrogacy in the NewsMy Profile

    • Yes the rough mornings are awful. The good ones can be hard too – handing her off after creating such happy little memories within the span of one morning hour. Makes me wonder what the rest of the day could have been…

  5. I heard a child crying for mommy as I walked down the day care hallway to my car this morning. I couldn’t bear to turn back into the playroom to see if it was my child or another mommy’s baby… If it had been Laura, seeing each other again would only have intensified the tears. And if it wasn’t Laura, I didn’t want to linger and possibly start her crying too. Morning drop off is so hard.
    Caitlin MidAtlantic recently posted..Sharing RealMy Profile

  6. I’m sorry you have moments like that.

    Mine are different as a wahm- but the times when I have to tell my kids no to something they want to do while I work away- and they don’t understand that I’m working and not just playing games online like they do- oh, that hurts.
    Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: Be WrongMy Profile

  7. It’s always hard to strike balance. I’ve been a WOHM, WAHM and SAHM and there were things I loved and dreaded about each. Sorry this is difficult.
    Robbie recently posted..Soundtrack of my Misspent YouthMy Profile

  8. I. Have. Been. There.

    Constant struggle. All I can tell myself is that I hope I’m teaching my boys that I’m choosing to work, to provide for our family. And treasure our weekends.

    • Yes, I tell myself that too. That I am raising her to see the value in work and earning and each family member having their own thing. But oh what a painful lesson for us all.

  9. I can really relate to this because I belong to the group of working moms.
    It is really a heartbreaking situation.
    If and only if money grew on trees in our backyard, I would love to be a full time mom.
    Nina@Babbling Little Booties recently posted..Young LoveMy Profile

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