“Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.”
It took all of my strength to mutter those words quietly as I lay across my bed. My stomach felt unsettled and queasy. I was sure I’d be getting sick at any minute.
M lay next to me. Suffering from a terrible cold that had been keeping him down for days.
“Why do you say that?” as his hand reached for mine.
“Because. I feel so awful. I can’t give her all of the attention that I want to give her, or usually give her, right now. And it’s only going to get worse.”
A few moments passed. Baby, in the meantime, seemed unfazed by my perceived lack of attention or by the conversation taking place next to her. With both of her parents stretched out on their bed, she took her place next to us and began quietly drawing.
“I think that’s ok.” he reassured me. “She gets a lot of attention now. Maybe too much. It might do her good to have more balance.”
I nodded. Maybe.
Hours later, over lunch but while Baby was out of earshot, he brought it up again.
“I’m worried. I don’t want to give her less attention. I’m worried about her. I don’t want things to change. What if she feels she wasn’t good enough?”
And so we talked some more. We talked about how he had been right earlier (and he, of course, loved that). How this is a year of a lot of change. Change is scary. Overwhelming. New child. New home. New routines. New school. And, right now, all we can do is wait. Wait and try to prepare.
But we’ve gone through these changes before. And oh how blessed I feel for them. Oh how I would never go back to the way things were before.
We’ll have more conversations like these over the next several months. Some better. Some worse. More times when M will have to find the reassuring words. More times when they’ll have to come from me.
But I know it will be ok.
note: I wrote this post in February, at the height of morning sickness, exhaustion, and all of the typical first-trimester woes. I’m feeling much better these days, although these worries, they still crop up on occasion.